Unrealistic Expectations/Measuring Success by Inches Instead of Miles

I have decided to put these two posts into one because I would like for them to be read consecutively.

“Unrealistic Expectations”

From the moment children are born they are put to the test and graded using the Apgar Score. Within the next few days of life they are screened for numerous conditions and have their hearing and vision tested. All of theses tests determine if the child has any known medical conditions. What does it mean if your child fails one of these tests or doctors discover your child has a condition? Will you love them any less? Will their life be any less meaningful? Sometimes placing too much pressure on a child to be perfect can be overwhelming, especially to the parents. Newborn screenings can potentially save a life due to early detection and intervention, but how often do the findings of an “abnormal” characteristic have an adverse effect?

Pregnancy is the time in a woman’s life when she should be the most calm and relaxed, but it’s pretty hard to stay calm when a doctor tells you that your child has a cyst on her brain and that it is a “soft sign” of Down Syndrome. Doctors love to get you all worked up and do all these fancy tests and ultrasounds that more times than not come back negative. I understand the importance of knowing 100 percent whether a child has a condition, but would not knowing change that person’s mind? Has medical technology and early detection gone too far and put even more expectations on a helpless child to be perfect? Why is it that we can’t simply accept whatever may be?

Society puts too many unrealistic expectations on children and families to fit into a certain mold of normalcy. Well, sorry to tell you but no one is normal or any more special than anyone else. We are all uniquely different so how can we classify what is normal or acceptable? Who are we to judge? Labels and stereotypes have ruined our society. No wonder bullying is at a high in our country. Children should be taught to see everyone as equal, and I’m not referring to color. Children come in all shapes and sizes. They may wear glasses, hearing aids or need one-on-one attention in the classroom. They shouldn’t be made to feel bad about these differences. We must all build self-esteem within our children starting at a very young age. Show them encouragement and let them know that it is ok if they can’t do what peers their same age are doing. Praise them for their differences.

“Measuring Success by Inches Instead of Miles”

In the special needs community the term inchstones is more widely used when referring to our children’s progress. Most children reach milestones one after another at a pretty fast and continuous pace (rolling, sitting, crawling, walking). My son, for instance, was walking at 9 months old. When you have a child that progresses on schedule, you take so much for granted. My special needs daughter has yet to fully master sitting on her own and she is 16 months old. But that is ok because I know how far she has come and I see new things that she is doing everyday. These things are no big deal to anyone else because most parents would consider them minuscule. But when my daughter drinks 7 ounces in one feeding or picks up a puff with two fingers and puts it in her mouth, I am celebrating! Success should not be measured by the miles we take to reach a goal but by the inches along the way that teach us how to see the bigger picture.

There are too many negative connotations associated with developmental and neurological delays. The term developmental milestones is poured down your throat in every pregnancy and newborn book you read. Children are expected to reach these milestones at a certain age and if they do not they are considered delayed. What the experts need to realize and factor in is that every child develops at their own rate, and although they may be behind their peers that does not mean they are not “normal.” And even if a child has a diagnosed developmental delay they should not be considered abnormal or made to feel bad about their differences.

Because of these negative connotations, some parents can be in denial about their child’s progress and often refuse to get them the help they need for fear of scrutiny. No one wants to admit or accept that their child has a “problem.” While it is true that not every child that is behind their peers reaching a milestone is developmentally delayed, there is still that chance that something additional could be going on that would require intervention. If you have a child that shows signs of developmental delays it is very easy to get your child evaluated and begin therapy to set them on a path for a brighter future. I have personally seen what a huge difference early intervention can make in a child’s life.

No one can ever prepare them self for having a child with special needs. The best thing you can do for your child when learning they have a certain condition or impairment is take yourself out of the equation. Now is not the time to say “why me?” Because you aren’t the one who has to live with these impairments. You aren’t the one who has to deal with the scrutiny and the pressure from society. Sure you will feel it because you will be by your child’s side and it will be hard to see them going through these things, but that is why it is your JOB to be strong for them and become their ADVOCATE above anything else. You are your child’s number one ally.

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Aly’s Journey

This blog has been something I’ve wanted to start for a very long time. I have finally reached a point in Aly’s medical journey where I feel comfortable in her diagnosis. For a long time we didn’t know what to expect or what the doctors would find from their numerous tests. But we have been fortunate to defy the odds and come through with hope that Aly will continue to make progress. Aly’s diagnosis includes Cortical Visual Impairment (CVI) and Microcephaly (small head). She also has mild hearing loss and recently got hearing aids. Her other medical conditions include developmental delays, failure to thrive, congenital muscle disorder, congenital anomaly of sclera and nystagmus. What all of this boils down to is that Aly was born with a brain that was not completely formed. She is missing significant white matter and portions of her other lobes such as temporal, occipital and frontal. Her corpus callosum (the part of the brain that connects the right and left hemisphere) is also thinned. Her brain malformations are the cause of her CVI, Microcephaly, developmental delays and possibly her hearing loss. It is unknown what caused this malformation. She was simply born this way.
I knew very early on that Aly would be different. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but there was something about her behavior that wasn’t “normal.” She didn’t interact like other newborns. At two months old I started to notice her eyes moved from side to side uncontrollably. She couldn’t focus or track objects because her eyes were always in motion. My mother was the person who first told me about nystagmus. I knew what I had to do as a parent was get answers immediately. She was referred to a local eye doctor who then referred her to a pediatric ophthalmologist in Jackson. Dr. Mungan confirmed that she had nystagmus and told us it was because of vision loss. Her eyes were completely healthy, therefore the doctor said her vision loss was neurological and ordered an MRI. We were told by Dr. Mungan that Aly was totally blind with no light perception on October 16, 2012. My world was turned upside down that day. I let the shock sink in, but I refused to let it break me down. I had to be strong for my daughter. I had to be her voice since she couldn’t speak for herself at the time. I had to move forward and get answers.
The next step was getting her MRI and seeing a neurologist. Dr. Mungan also referred us to a geneticist. On November 13, 2012, Aly was seen by her neurologist, Dr. Lee. He told us her MRI was abnormal and that she had Cortical Blindness and Microcephaly. He also said she has dysmorphic facial features (midline and mouth). He briefly described Cortical Blindness. He referred to her brain as a computer and her eyes as a camera. He said the camera was working fine and collecting the images and transmitting them to the computer (brain), but the there was a problem in the way the computer processed the images. The analogy made sense, but there were still so many unanswered questions. Maybe it was genetic and we would finally get answers from genetic testing.
Aly had blood drawn for genetic and chromosomal testing in February. It wasn’t until April 16 that was finally got the results. Everything came back great. She had no known genetic disorders or syndromes. I was completely relieved to say the least. I had been told repeatedly for the past several months by her pediatrician and specialists that she had a genetic disorder. They couldn’t put their finger on a certain one, but they seemed so certain. I was never convinced it was genetic. I knew there was nothing else going on and it was strictly neurological. I still didn’t have the answers I was looking for, but I finally came to terms with the fact I may never know the cause of her conditions, and that was okay. She was my Aly. No condition will ever define her. She has continued to prove her doctors wrong. They said she would never see, but she can, and that is such a blessing.
For a long time it appeared Aly was blind. Her nystagmus seemed to get better, but she still wasn’t focusing or tracking. She would not smile or laugh or look at me. She looked past me, as if I wasn’t there. That was the hardest part, that and not seeing her show emotion. I had prepared myself at the time that my daughter would be blind. I contacted First Steps Early Intervention through the State Department of Heath. Her First Steps coordinator, Constance, scheduled an evaluation to determine which services she would need. That evaluation was done in October 2012. At the time she was not doing much. She was five months old, but ranked in at the development of a two month old. From that we determined she needed physical therapy, speech therapy and occupational therapy. She started out with only physical therapy and the other two were added a month later.
At the time she started in physical therapy in December 2012 at the age of seven months old, she wasn’t rolling, sitting or bearing weight. She had a little head control, but not very good. Her vision started improving around five months old. It seemed as though she would see certain things and track, but it was never consistent. She finally started smiling and laughing at five months old, as well. As her vision improved so did her nystagmus and head control. She finally start holding up her head now that she could see objects. It’s very hard to explain, but it was as if overnight her vision kicked in. I met with a teacher for the visually impaired (TVI) in December. She knew a lot about CVI and was the first person to tell me about her diagnosis. Cortical Blindness is more widely known as Cortical Visual Impairment because the children are rarely totally blind. She opened me up to a whole new world of endless possibilities. She was the first person to tell me there was hope, that my daughter could learn to see. That was all I needed to hear to get motivated in informing myself on CVI as much as possible. I spent weeks searching the web for any and all information about CVI.
Everything I learned about CVI was translated into her different therapies. Children with CVI have very specific characteristics and learning styles. Once I knew how my daughter could see, I understood what I needed to do to improve her vision. And since then she has made drastic improvements. Her therapists have been wonderful with learning about CVI and things they can do in therapy to help her. They got her a light box to be used in her therapy. Not only did her vision begin to improve, but also her motor skills and physical skills. She started rolling over at eight months old and by that time she had great head control. By the time she turned one on May 22, 2013, she was rolling everywhere, sitting up with her hands out for 30 seconds and saying a few words. Her first word was “bubba” at around ten months old. She mostly said “b” sounds. Her words are still limited to “bye bye” and “ba ba.” She also makes vowel sounds and her laughing has escalated.
Over the months Aly’s hearing started to become a reason for concern. She had a hearing test ordered in March. At the time, she had mild to severe hearing loss, but the doctors believed it could be due in part to fluid. The ENT said she would need tubes and that could potentially improve her hearing. She had tubes put in on May 16 and had another brainstem hearing test. The audiologist, Dr. Cooper, said the tubes improved her hearing, but she still had mild hearing loss and would need hearing aids. She was fitting for the molds that day and got her hearing aids a month later. Only recently have I come to terms and understood what her hearing loss means to her progress. The audiologist explained that with mild hearing loss there are certain sounds that she cannot hear. So without her hearing aids she would learn to speak the way she hears, putting her at a disadvantage. It hasn’t been that big of an adjustment now that she has hearing aids. Her impairments do not define her, they simply make her unique.
Where we are today in Aly’s journey is that we are in the process of setting up her hearing therapy as well as trying to find her vision therapy and resources. I have contact a preschool program in Starkville for children with multiple disabilities about getting Aly enrolled. There is a chance she could start in August at 14 months old, but they may not take her until she is 18 months old. This preschool will be a huge change for her as well as for me. I won’t be allowed to stay and watch her the way I do with her therapies, so that will be difficult. I love being involved in every step she takes along her journey. I love watching her discover and try new things. I try not to focus on what she cannot do but rather what she can. I say “try” because I must admit that it hasn’t always been easy, especially when I see children her age walking, talking and playing with toys. I know Aly will do all these things in her own time. She has taught me to not rush through life, to take a step back and focus on the important things, such as family and love. It’s the little things in life that define who we are. I appreciate so much more every laugh, every smile, every grasp of a toy and clap of a hand. These small moments bring her one step closer to the rest of her life, and her life will be beautiful, I guarantee.